One Thousand Beards: A Cultural History of Facial Hair by Allan Peterkin.

One Thousand Beards: A Cultural History of Facial Hair by Allan Peterkin, 227 pages. (Available via Interlibrary Loan)

There are few things in life more satisfying than a beard.  They have been a sign of manliness since the dawn of time.  Gandalf has one, pirates had flaming beards (Blackbeard, anyone?), Lumberjacks cut down trees with them; the list goes on-and-on.  Just look at the list of unsavory characters that don’t have beards - Politicians (Benjamin Harris was the last U.S. President to have a beard, and that was in 1893), I think that about sums-up the dire state of modern politics.  But the list doesn’t stop there – people who take-up two parking spots, the entire cast of the musical Cats, car salesmen, that guy who ruins my morning by taking forever to order his coffee at Starbucks, do I need to go on?

Beards keep your face warm; beards can soften the blow if you’re ever punched by a ninja; beards can turn a weak jawline into an intimidating power jaw.  Beards. Are. Awesome.  Surveys suggest that women find bearded men to be 2/3rds less attractive than clean shaven men.  But, these same women said bearded men look older, more respected, of a higher status, and more powerful . . . I’ll just repeat that, MORE POWERFUL!  Scientists believe that men shave to make women feel safer.  Ask yourself, are these the type of women you want to attract?  I say no!  What this study really proves is: bearded men get the most kick-ass women.  The type of woman that will fight a bear with you, the type of woman that knows how to field dress a bullet wound.  These women are the descendants of fearless Amazonian warriors, these are the type of women that find beards attractive!

When it comes to success outside of relationships, remember these facts:  98% of the Forbes 100 list of world’s richest men are clean shaven, but 98% of the worlds’ lumberjacks, warriors, and badasses however have beards.

Peterkin explores the origins of the beard from cavemen to its recent resurgence.  He charts the cultural history of facial shrubbery; its role in religion, its significance in various sub-cultures, even Freud gets a say about this bastion of manliness.  Peterkin does so in an entertaining way, keeping the bearded and beardless alike enthralled to the very last page.  And for good measure, Peterkin supplies plenty of tips for grooming and maintaining a beard worthy of its history.  That includes you bearded ladies.  Plus, its 227 pages are filled with pictures of hairy men and women.  It’s basically beard porn, which I approve of wholeheartedly.