First Comes Marriage: My Not-So-Typical American Love Story

First Comes Marriage: My Not-So-Typical American Love Story by Huda Al-Marashi          Audio Book:  9 hrs., 37 mins   Hardback Book:  297 pages                 

Huda Al-Marshi lets the reader in on many Muslim customs/traditions that have really enlightened me.    So many things about Muslims that every day Americans have no clue on came to light while enjoying this read.   Also, there are many adjustments to be made for Muslim children who grow up in America but have a foot in both worlds, the America of today and the Arabic world of yesterday and today.   While yes, it is a patriarchal society to this day, young women do have a say in whether they marry someone or not.   Not that their parents don’t also have a say and a lot of influence sometimes bullying the girl into acceptance but there is depending on the family more say than just total acceptance.   The mothers of the families tend to do the negotiations, to get the party started with the families and potential spouse- to- be,  getting together. so the want- to- be groom can size up the potential bride and to a lesser degree, vice-versa.    Neither party has to accept the other but if they do the contract is drawn up and signed and the couple is committed to go forward.    Muslim girls do not speak to nor touch boys nor men outside the family as they are growing up.   They must be modest in their dress, while not having to completely cover their skin and hair unless by choice as a commitment to the faith, many Muslim women choose to do so anyway.   They do not go swimming in public, do not make eye contact with males outside the family, etc.    So, by the time they marry, which many do straight out of highschool, they come as virgins to the marriage bed and unless a kindly older female, mother, grandmother or auntie, is kind enough to fill them in on what to expect – they get a rude awakening on their wedding night.    It is true that Muslim men still adhere to the custom that if they want to mistreat their wife for whatever minor offense it is accepted to do so without any flack from family nor friends.   Males are dominant and highly praised from birth and while growing up.   It is thought a bad thing when a female child is born, but, they keep hope alive that the next child will be a boy.    Muslim women are encouraged to be fruitful and multiply a.s.a.p. after marriage.   American born/raised Muslim children don’t all have it as strict in their households as Middle-Eastern and African nations do but are still expected to comply with their parents.  Huda was raised in America and even went to a Catholic all girls school.   By the time she was 18 several families had “visited,” to check Huda out for their sons, it finally came down to a family that her parents had been friends with since she was 6 years old.   This book is primarily about Huda’a relationship with their son and how when you grow up as an American girl Muslim or not, you are reared with storybook ideals of what romance and marriage should be and when reality doesn’t measure up to your fantasy trouble ensues.   This is that story.     Huda cannot keep from comparing what she has with what she wants and the result for her is disappointing and depressing.   She becomes resentful for all she is giving up in order to settle for way less than she expected.     This is a good book so full of information and background on the Muslim religion and teachings as well as the Muslim lifestyle.    Me eyes were opened and didn’t know what I didn’t know until I read this book.  It is truly fascinating the things you will learn here.   Also, you receive and education on American expectations and how in-grained in our society these presumptions are.   I even did a little self-reflection on how I, too, have been guilty of expecting so much more from others when I expected them to psychically determine my wants and needs without ever letting them know what I had in mind.    Sadly, others don’t always pick up on our whims by osmosis – we need to spell it out for them instead of waiting for them to guess correctly or be ostracized for getting it wrong.      Everyone should read this book to see not only what Huda went through, but, to look in the mirror and see through the glass clearly at last.    Very good book.    Clearly a case of both parties not putting all of their cards on the table and looking into each other’s eyes stating what they expect and want from the other so that the air would be cleared and both parties could commit to what they would be willing to go along with and what they absolutely would not because the request was not in keeping with their nature.    A clashing of cultures and media fed fairytale dreams that once each side realizes that could come to compromises if both sides agree.  But will they?   Not sure Jimmy Carter could have brought reasoning and peace to these two.    I highly recommend this book – such an eye-opener.

 - Shirley J