Excellent book on the psychology behind why while in romantic relationships, marriages or agreed upon monogamous arrangements one partner sometimes both or more if in a multiple partner relationship (3 people or 4 people) stray from the original agreed upon arrangement and seek other partners outside of the original parameters. Perel does a very thorough and thoughtful delving into the psychology behind all the trespasses discussed here. Relationships of any kind are fraught with emotion, attachments or on the other end of the spectrum lack of attachment. Some reasons are boredom, curiosity, flattery, escapism, mentally assigning parental or Madonna roles to the female partner, being turned of by changes that come with childbirth, with the onset of aging, with the partner getting too relaxed and no longer feeling the need to monitor how they look or filter what they say to or within hearing of a partner, growing apart in their experiences and desires, one person loses interest and the other still needs to have contact, etc. so many reasons big or small can drive a wedge between former lovers who no longer communicate adequately and if not rectified can be the end of a relationship or if those involved in the relationship want to try to revive the love and desire for one another they once felt then therapy sessions such as those held by Esther Perel can find the root of the disturbance in their life, name it then find a resolution for it. Sometimes that resolution is ending the relationship if it really is irrepairable but most often once the true cause that severed the bond between them is discovered and addressed, solutions can be arrived at, worked on and if the partners are committed to each other emotionally, worked out. Family and friendships roles in support of and destruction of is discussed as is the difference between a dalliance and a full-blown love affair with someone outside the original partnership. Obliteration of trust is deeply probed as this affects one’s self-esteem, is he/she treating me like a doormat or am I a doormat? Am I paying more attention to my own needs and ignoring my partners? Is my supporting their career and putting mine on hold breaking us apart? Do we resent where our life has gone when we had all these dreams we used to plan together and now we hardly speak? Is it cheating if it is virtual reality or just a fantasy? We always told each other the truth and now I realize my partner has been lying. When did we lose touch with one another? I used to love my partners touch and now not only do I not want it anymore, I can’t stand to hear my partners voice. I’ve been faking it so long it is frustrating to think of continuing this farce any longer. So much more. I think this is a must-read for everyone. You learn such great life lessons here that cheating and betrayal are far more involved than just oops, I don’t know why I did that but I will never do it again if you forgive my trespass this time. There is always a WHY behind every act of disloyalty. Find the WHY and it is possible the relationship can be worked through and strangely even helpful at times (examples discussed) before it is too late to reclaim and restore lost love. Excellent book. It is an eye-opener proving that nothing is as it seems or as dire if people will come together to reason and hold fast to that elusive thing we call love. Not recommended for children but, teens to adult who are in relationships or getting ready to be in one and certainly anyone in a relationship that is being tested could benefit from the wisdom and insight found here. A galaxy of stars for this book. Even if you are in what you think is a solid, stabile relationship this book delivers information that will open your mind and help you to keep it that way as much as possible by delivering information on things that may be without meaning to us but will teach you to see from your perspective AND your significant other’s. A great read-between-the-lines and look past your interpretation to how your actions might be perceived by others without your intentionally meaning to leave such an impression. Very open and very in your face but all of it is very worthy. Good stuff to be found here. Perel performs the work of a mentor of romance and how quickly it can be lost. Bravo!
- Shirley J.
No comments:
Post a Comment